I feel like the past few months I’ve been very quiet and although I’m in a better place right now, I thought I would shed some light on how I’ve been feeling. Last month my blog turned four and rather than celebrating I was ready to pull the plug. That’s right, I almost killed Plain Sarah Jayne.
I didn’t want to admit it, but I’ve been struggling. Like, really struggling. I’ve always been good with dealing with my emotions, but lately they’ve been uncontrollable. I know mental health is a popular subject, but I’ve never really spoken about it and that’s because I didn’t think I suffered with it. But, I guess we all do in some shape, or form, don’t we? I’ve learnt over the past few months that I’ve been suffering with anxiety. At the moment I feel loads better, but it was bad. So bad that every night – for an entire week – I went straight to bed and just sat in darkness for hours while I panicked, stressed and worried myself sick.
It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed with life and I think the reason my anxiety had got so bad was because I let it build up as opposed to talking about it and getting it off my chest. The only reason I decided to tell you all about this is if anyone can relate to this, then please open up and tell someone. A partner, a friend, or if you feel you can’t tell someone you know, then my DMs are always open.
This might of led to my anxiety overload, but lately I’ve felt completely lost like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. 30 is slowly creeping up on me and I feel like at this stage of my life I should have my shit together and I don’t. I have no idea what my future goals are, or what I’m working towards. I feel like everyone around me has a life plan, whether it’s getting married, having kids, travelling the world, setting up a business etc, and I’m here like ‘what the hell am I doing?’ And the more I ask myself, the more I start to panic because I don’t have the answer.
Does anyone else feel like this? While I let my brain ponder these thoughts I’m putting all my efforts into the house. I guess getting my home sorted can be some sort of life plan, right?
Going back to the moment I was going to pull the plug on my blog. I can’t actually believe I was even thinking such thoughts. But, I guess they stemmed from a combination that ALL bloggers will understand – pressure, frustration and comparison. For me, I lost sight on why I started blogging in the first place. I started comparing myself, which then put pressure on myself to create content, which then turned blogging into a chore. And chores are not fun. Plus, it’s a little devastating when you work so hard on something and it receives little likes, views or engagement.
With a saturated market, rubbish aligoriums and glamorisation, I think it’s hard not to admit defeat with blogging. After stepping back and having some time away I’m not ready to throw the towel in just yet. I’ve revamped the blog, stripped it back and ready to produce content that I love writing and talking about. You’re going to see some changes going into 2019, but I really hope you like them.
Sarah Jayne x
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